jeudi 24 janvier 2008

*sniffle*

Ive got the travel bug. But it's more precise this time. I don't want to just travel anywhere. I've seen a lot already, so now my imagination is thinking of new things to see.

I want to see as many world wonders,
and visit as many different countries as possible this year.

In a few days, I get paid, and I'm going to book a trip. Amsterdam Netherlands, Mainz Germany, Vienna Austria, and Dublin Ireland. Four days to a city, sixteen days of vacation. I'm visiting friends in the last three of the four cities, and I have two friends from Tours coming with me to Amsterdam. Id also like to try and stop in Koln (Cologne) Germany briefly.

Then, in April, I have another vacation of two weeks. If my sister comes into town, she may very well want to go to Amsterdam for a couple days. I'd like to try and go to Spain, but we may keep it local to France, depending on funds.

May is when things are going to get crazy. I move out of my apartment on May 1st, then in about a week, I'll get started. I'm not sure the order yet, but Switzerland, England, Italy, Spain, Portugal, and Morocco are high on my list. I think I can get plane tickets to all of those places for less than 200. This is why I love Europe. That's about a month's worth of travel. I'll need that open mind time to make my decision in June either to stay in Europe or to return to America.

Concerning World Wonders, Stonehenge, maybe the Tower of Pisa, and the Colosseum in Rome... those are just the popular ones. There are so many world wonders.

love.

mardi 22 janvier 2008

i am woman

I am human. I am woman. I am love. Break me not.

I've entered into an odd state of mind the past couple of days. I've been feeling insufficient. Like I'm not performing to my ability perhaps. I think because I'm not happy, I'm not enjoying my life right now, I am not performing. Its much more than me just "not enjoying work". I have less a desire to work hard at work. Because I'm not happy. When shit goes wrong, I am NOT happy. It sucks that much more. But what could I change that would make my life not suck so hard right now??? Actually, I don't think its the life here that sucks. I was knocked on my ass before I ever got here. And now I know exactly how to change that. I'll write more. I have to get my head outside of this box.

sorry to jet. it was a fleet thought.
bear

dimanche 20 janvier 2008

its about getting there and coasting, my friend

So I'm writing again. Sooner than I'd imagined. Perhaps its because on a regular basis, I've begun telling myself "Oh! I should write about this... about that.."

So it's now sunday. noon:10. And theres nothing to do today. So Im going to write. Its been cloudy outside the whole week. I bought 3 new pairs of shoes during the sales (which last 6 weeks by the way). Three pairs for 40 euro. One of them is a pair of boots, but they're suede and I cant wear them until I put water protection stuff on them. The other 2 are just cute little ballet flats. I like them a lot. But now I am feeling like I need to buy outfits to go with my shoes, and money for that, I just don't have.

I think I'm a little over my living situation. I mean, Thang is awesome. He's been awesome since day 1. Yohann and his homeboys are awesome. But hes gone every other month for work. With my other neighbors, I feel its become a lot more "hello" in the hallways, and then running inside our rooms and locking the door behind us. If I'm doing dishes in the kitchen, and someone comes out of their room and hears me, they go back in and dont say a word. Its quite odd. There are some french habits which I'm trying my hardest not to pick up. For instance, people in the streets never look a stranger in the face. I stopped after a while because of all the strange looks I would get for looking at people and not looking straight ahead or at the ground when they walked by.

I cut Thang's hair!! No large holes anywhere, no jagged edges. Cutting hair is like sculpture, and if I hadn't majored in languages, I would have done sculpture. Or maybe photography, but thats too expensive a major. I have moments where I wish, I wish so bad that I'd gone to school for art. But it's cool. I would have become a different person, people would have had different expectations of me, I would have become a total hipster..

This past week was a quick one. Ive found myself refusing to look at the date. I dont want to know. I dont care. Tell me when it's Jan/Feb/Mar/Apr 27 (cause thats when I get paid), then Feb 9(cause thats when vacation starts and I leave for Amsterdam), then March 9 (grandmothers birthday), and April 5 (last vacation/my sister comes to town), Apr 18 (mom's bday), April 20, may 8 - my birthday! Ive been doing pretty much the same lesson with all of my students. Ive been playing M.A.S.H. and they fucking LOVE that shit!! Even the teachers are like, "can you do that again next week??" This is probably the easiest lesson Ive done yet. It gets them learning job names, cars, animals, money, and then at the end they make sentences with all their findings. Who would have thought that this cheesy game that I played in junior high would be just as popular amongst french kids??

I need to stop drinking all together. After tomorrow though, cause I bought some steaks and some Bordeaux Cabernet Sauvignon, and steak just goes perfectly with a glass of red. Or maybe next week. Theres a joint birthday party for 3 assistants... Ill drink less.. Im also quitting cigs too. But that will be a lot harder to do. Ive started eating my cigarettes like candy. In other words, the smoke just tastes so good. And when I inhale/exhale I breathe in/out slooowly as the smoke glides over my tongue....

There was a little less drama between myself and the troublesome teachers this week. I still went out friday night though and drank entirely too much to "forget about it all".

Actually, those arent my thoughts at all when I drink. It more like, I have subconsciously convinced myself that life on substances is much more at ease than not. For some reason I feel the need to put distance between myself and others, and in doing so I can understand them more. I have more patience, I have more interest, im more easily intrigued... But is this really true, or have the past five years of my life begun to alter my reality? I am no doubt in the middle of a paradigm shift of my existence. My life will NOT be the same in 5 months. My surroundings will be different, my thought process will have changed, I will be more mature... When I finally settle in, it will feel as if it happened overnight. But in actuality, it started a couple years ago. Its like when I was little, learning how to ride a bike. I know for a fact that i went through the tricycle, then training wheels, then the real deal, but riding a bike now has become such habit to me that I cant recall the process. Ive been somewhat living on my own now for the past 3 years that walking is becoming habit. that making BIG decisions is becoming comfortable. that handling responsibilities boosts my confidence, that separation from my close family unit that i grew up with, is not so bad at all.

Im not sure if I made mention of this idea before, but Ill say it again. In my opinion, summer time is for outward growth, and winter time is for inward growth. In the summer time, we strip down to barely nothing, we meet with friends, we dance, we go to more parties, we socialize, we take in energy from the sun, our skin glows and radiates. And in the wintertime, we put on as many layers as necessary, its back on the grind, back to school, to work, fewer gatherings, its much more of an inward struggle. But its healthy this way. Which brings me to my next thought. Is this why people in California, Miami, people who live in hot states tend to be more superficial? skin deep? Because they spend most of their time perfecting their outward appearance? Because they have fewer cold months to reflect inwardly? And perhaps why New Yorkers, people who live in the New England states in general tend to be more intellectual, analytical, maybe they think about everything a little too much? I hope Im not offending anyone by making these statements. I am by no means referring to anyone in particular. This is just a thought. Im sorry. I just start rambling sometimes. But you get what Im saying? Alls I'm sayin is, its winter time and I gots ta work on my character! Cause the warm months are just around the corner, and I gotta present myself with some class.

Im needing sunlight like I need a giant boba straw to complete my homemade bong that I just made. This gloomy weather is making it hard for me to be happy all the time. No... well maybe its a toss up between the shitty weather and the sexual deprivation. These are lonely times. Or rather, character building times. Im working on patience, tolerance, compassion, organization, tidiness, punctuality, and healthiness. Im learning how to take care of myself. These past 4 months have been like... a hermitage almost. I mean, not a hardcore, for serious hermitage because I've made friends, I go outside my apt almost everyday. But for real though, I am having to deal with myself and learn about myself in new ways. I am outside of my normal social settings of family, close friends, and all things familiar. My decisions are becoming my own, and they are becoming a genuine reflection of myself. So having said that, I have to start making better decisions.

My hair is trying so badly to dred up. Its a constant struggle. I dont want dreds. I love them, but I know I couldnt handle/maintain them. I am still trying to grow my hair out.

I suppose today will be a day of laundry and housecleaning. Maybe tweak out a lesson plan or two. make those steaks. Heres to another week.

love
bear

mardi 15 janvier 2008

Its Rainy Season

ok. I'm writing another blog. Hopefully, this wont take me three days like the last one. I'll go until I draw a blank, how bout that?

hmm...

Ok, I'll try again. And I'll make a real effort this time to conjure up the thoughts and ideas and events from the past 10 or so days.

Right, so pretty much Berlin was amazing!! Ich habe ein Bissen Deutsch gelernt! I left the day after Christmas via Eurolines, the european coach bus, around 1045. I caught a bus coming up north from Madrid. the bus driver spoke to me in French with a strong Castillan accent. It was an extremely muggy wednesday, with a heavy fog.

Immediately when I got on the bus, I got that feeling again. The one where it feels like my mind is exploding. My heart beats uncontrollably; vibrant images flash through my head as I visualize myself in another foreign country learning yet another language. Another culture to experience, more food to eat. I was ready to get down. I was ready to party.

The first stop was Paris. There was an older black man sitting behind me mumbling to himself. I had a brief feeling of displacement right then. I felt as if I were in New Orleans, or somewhere down in that deep south. As it turned out, the man was a paraplegic. It looked as though he was missing up to his left elbow as well as his left leg up to the knee. I couldn't tell if he had his right leg in its entirety, but he had a full right arm. There was also the two dirty looking North Africans who threatened to fight the paraplegic. Oh man... Paris!!

There was really bad music playing, and my battery on my mp3 player was really low so I had to suffer. I mean, it really hurt too listen. "Total eclipse of the heart," some Barry White earlier, "No more I love you." WOOF!!! Only the biggest mistakes of the 90's.

Can I just say I had a couple odd encounters while I awaited my bus. I arrived around 1300. First odd encounter: I was standing in the line for information because my departure time wasnt listed on my ticket. And two girls just walked up to me and started asking in english me about their tickets and checking in. It threw me off guard. Then they began to try and speak french because they thought I didnt understand. I just had no idea how to help them! The second encounter was in the bathroom. A girl came in and I needed a 20 cent piece to use the toilet and all I had were 2 dimes. She didnt speak french, so I said it in English and she helped me out. Of course, I would choose the toilet with shit all on the rim and without paper, so I asked her if she had paper. She either didnt hear me, or once again, she didnt understand. I half wanted to ask her in German, but I gave up and improvised with some things Id packed in my suitcase.

There were pigeons walking around the bus station. Really bad lighting. That place was just the most aesthetically displeasing place Id ever been in. Internet was something like .15cents for a minute. which means, .75cents for 5 minutes. I'm used to 40 cents for a half hour!

So I finally left hells waiting room and caught my bus around 1930 to Berlin. The ride over night was a long one. Each time we crossed a borderline I received a text with the new rates outside of France. 11pm we reached Belgium. 234am we entered Deutschland. We made a couple stops: Bruxxels, Antwerpen, Hanover... The driver stopped announcing after Hanover. It was neat driving through the cities at night. The language evolved before my eyes on street ads and billboards as we made our way from the southern, more French influenced part of Belgium and intot he North, Flemish/Dutch side. We made a total of three stops for breaks. From Bruxxels to Berlin was about 11 and a half hours.

I also noticed the extreme amount of fog in the countryside. There were windmills stretching abotu 50-75 ft, but only the bottom 15-20 was visible to the eyes.

The graffiti also evolved. Paris was damn impressive. Within 20km of Berlin, i noticed more stylistic burns and fewer shitty throw-ups.

(yes, I realize im going back and forth between metric systems, and military/normal time. im an american living in europe and im out of my mind confused.)

My first night in Berlin...
well it took me 2 hrs to find my friends hotel once i got off the train because the guy at information didnt speak english and didnt know berlin very well... seriously. which brings me to my next complaint, NOT EVERYONE IN BERLIN SPEAKS ENGLISH!! which is what every single german told me prior to my trip. skool, luckily im a nerd and learning languages is more fun than wii for me. well, maybe not wii bowling. im pretty good at that. and you get to design the players so they really kinda look like you! haha. its so much fuN!...

that night we were out until maybe... 3am. because we thought the trains started working around 3. no, they stop around 2. on the weekends, they run all night. but we caught a cab with an extremely informative cab driver who told us what to check out and where to party new years eve.

let me tell you about my trip to berlin in a nutshell:
first of all, I couldnt have gone with any other two homies except stephanie and michael.
i love these two. they made me the happiest i was in the past 3 months.


Museum Island- student price for 3 day pass to all the museums- 7.50euro
I saw the bust of Nefertiti ^_^.




Oranienburger street- where to go for all the drugs you w ant. you can find anything in the first5 minutes once you step off the metro. no joke..
notice in the picture on the right how the english translation of the warning is much more direct than the german. "Do not deal drugs. this is an arthouse!! dont fuck it up. Drug dealing supports mafia!!"
as opposed to, "Dealing destroys this Arthouse..." in german.


Alexander Platz
Pathetic Guggenheim museum. I was really disappointed. that was the only thing that disappointed me. that, and the german accent in berlin is so damn hard to understand.
Potsdamer Platz
Christmas markets
Bratwursten
Chinese food
getting high in public places
our monumental new years, spent sitting on top of a monument.
and on my last day, it SNOWED!

we ran out of time to see everything. we werent able to do the checkpoint charlie. but we did see the wall, and where the wall would have been. I was also astonished by the number of hitler mustashes i saw drawn onto advertisements. i felt a little unsure how to take that.

OH! and did i mentions germans are racists? i mean, not all of them of course, but more so than the french. the first time in my life i ever experienced what it felt like to be discriminated against for being black. can i also say that only cowards are racists??? No one on this earth has the right to make another human feel guilty for something thats out of their control, and SO IRRELEVANT! I actually felt bad afterwards!!! and Im a nice person!! i dont deserve that bullshit!! thats fucking oppression!! society as a whole becomes more enlightened the more it becomes enlightened. ignorant people contribute dead weight to humanity.

I hate 2/3 of my teachers at one school. They talk down to me, one likes to call me out in front of her students (she has fucking camel toe everyday too. I cant take her seriously. I have that much less respect for her), the other likes to try and correct my english. bitch, dont you know my favorite subject in grade school was grammar??? I want to just tell them both to get off my nuts, but i dont have nuts, but it sucks that girls dont have an equivalent phrase because that is EXACTLY what i am wanting to tell thim right now. and "get off my back" is too softcore. but i believe it was my german neighbor thang who said it first, so i will follow in my buddys footsteps and just say "Je m'en fiche". "I dont give a fuck."

I've just been hangin lose since I got back. Bout to go pick up some fire ass weed from Pascal. I totally shouldnt. I have 4 euro in my french bank account, and probably only about 50 in my american account, and still another 12 days before I get paid. haha. Well, the only thing i HAVE to buy the rest of this month is food. tonight, imma buy some weed and get a free meal. thats how i work. nah, its only cause this stuff just arrived from amsterdam. dont you love my logic? but thats real fucked up that id buy weed with my last 50 bucks instead of food. maybe i have a problem. maybe my job just sucks so hard that id rather eat ramen everyday and be high than have to tolerate my teachers. yes.

its cool. my parents still support me financially. but not for much longer, haha. but actually, i told my dad last night "dad, I think I might be going to New York in May." Maybe it was the word choice (going, instead of moving), the deleted information (to live with a boy), and the random timing at which i called (130 in the afternoon). but he said, "ok". So i will avoid the topic until they bring it up again. and when that time comes, i will defend my decision until they disown me.
Ive planned a second trip back to Germany, to Mainz to visit a friend for a week. As well as a trip to amsterdam just before. Thats in a month.

I better go. I have to go have dinner with my buddies. Eleni is already at the bus stop. I told her I was on my way down, but I really still have to get changed. Its raining though, so now I feel like a horrible person. And I'm still writing... let me stop. Ill write again soon.

joanna