its about getting there and coasting, my friend

So I'm writing again. Sooner than I'd imagined. Perhaps its because on a regular basis, I've begun telling myself "Oh! I should write about this... about that.."

So it's now sunday. noon:10. And theres nothing to do today. So Im going to write. Its been cloudy outside the whole week. I bought 3 new pairs of shoes during the sales (which last 6 weeks by the way). Three pairs for 40 euro. One of them is a pair of boots, but they're suede and I cant wear them until I put water protection stuff on them. The other 2 are just cute little ballet flats. I like them a lot. But now I am feeling like I need to buy outfits to go with my shoes, and money for that, I just don't have.

I think I'm a little over my living situation. I mean, Thang is awesome. He's been awesome since day 1. Yohann and his homeboys are awesome. But hes gone every other month for work. With my other neighbors, I feel its become a lot more "hello" in the hallways, and then running inside our rooms and locking the door behind us. If I'm doing dishes in the kitchen, and someone comes out of their room and hears me, they go back in and dont say a word. Its quite odd. There are some french habits which I'm trying my hardest not to pick up. For instance, people in the streets never look a stranger in the face. I stopped after a while because of all the strange looks I would get for looking at people and not looking straight ahead or at the ground when they walked by.

I cut Thang's hair!! No large holes anywhere, no jagged edges. Cutting hair is like sculpture, and if I hadn't majored in languages, I would have done sculpture. Or maybe photography, but thats too expensive a major. I have moments where I wish, I wish so bad that I'd gone to school for art. But it's cool. I would have become a different person, people would have had different expectations of me, I would have become a total hipster..

This past week was a quick one. Ive found myself refusing to look at the date. I dont want to know. I dont care. Tell me when it's Jan/Feb/Mar/Apr 27 (cause thats when I get paid), then Feb 9(cause thats when vacation starts and I leave for Amsterdam), then March 9 (grandmothers birthday), and April 5 (last vacation/my sister comes to town), Apr 18 (mom's bday), April 20, may 8 - my birthday! Ive been doing pretty much the same lesson with all of my students. Ive been playing M.A.S.H. and they fucking LOVE that shit!! Even the teachers are like, "can you do that again next week??" This is probably the easiest lesson Ive done yet. It gets them learning job names, cars, animals, money, and then at the end they make sentences with all their findings. Who would have thought that this cheesy game that I played in junior high would be just as popular amongst french kids??

I need to stop drinking all together. After tomorrow though, cause I bought some steaks and some Bordeaux Cabernet Sauvignon, and steak just goes perfectly with a glass of red. Or maybe next week. Theres a joint birthday party for 3 assistants... Ill drink less.. Im also quitting cigs too. But that will be a lot harder to do. Ive started eating my cigarettes like candy. In other words, the smoke just tastes so good. And when I inhale/exhale I breathe in/out slooowly as the smoke glides over my tongue....

There was a little less drama between myself and the troublesome teachers this week. I still went out friday night though and drank entirely too much to "forget about it all".

Actually, those arent my thoughts at all when I drink. It more like, I have subconsciously convinced myself that life on substances is much more at ease than not. For some reason I feel the need to put distance between myself and others, and in doing so I can understand them more. I have more patience, I have more interest, im more easily intrigued... But is this really true, or have the past five years of my life begun to alter my reality? I am no doubt in the middle of a paradigm shift of my existence. My life will NOT be the same in 5 months. My surroundings will be different, my thought process will have changed, I will be more mature... When I finally settle in, it will feel as if it happened overnight. But in actuality, it started a couple years ago. Its like when I was little, learning how to ride a bike. I know for a fact that i went through the tricycle, then training wheels, then the real deal, but riding a bike now has become such habit to me that I cant recall the process. Ive been somewhat living on my own now for the past 3 years that walking is becoming habit. that making BIG decisions is becoming comfortable. that handling responsibilities boosts my confidence, that separation from my close family unit that i grew up with, is not so bad at all.

Im not sure if I made mention of this idea before, but Ill say it again. In my opinion, summer time is for outward growth, and winter time is for inward growth. In the summer time, we strip down to barely nothing, we meet with friends, we dance, we go to more parties, we socialize, we take in energy from the sun, our skin glows and radiates. And in the wintertime, we put on as many layers as necessary, its back on the grind, back to school, to work, fewer gatherings, its much more of an inward struggle. But its healthy this way. Which brings me to my next thought. Is this why people in California, Miami, people who live in hot states tend to be more superficial? skin deep? Because they spend most of their time perfecting their outward appearance? Because they have fewer cold months to reflect inwardly? And perhaps why New Yorkers, people who live in the New England states in general tend to be more intellectual, analytical, maybe they think about everything a little too much? I hope Im not offending anyone by making these statements. I am by no means referring to anyone in particular. This is just a thought. Im sorry. I just start rambling sometimes. But you get what Im saying? Alls I'm sayin is, its winter time and I gots ta work on my character! Cause the warm months are just around the corner, and I gotta present myself with some class.

Im needing sunlight like I need a giant boba straw to complete my homemade bong that I just made. This gloomy weather is making it hard for me to be happy all the time. No... well maybe its a toss up between the shitty weather and the sexual deprivation. These are lonely times. Or rather, character building times. Im working on patience, tolerance, compassion, organization, tidiness, punctuality, and healthiness. Im learning how to take care of myself. These past 4 months have been like... a hermitage almost. I mean, not a hardcore, for serious hermitage because I've made friends, I go outside my apt almost everyday. But for real though, I am having to deal with myself and learn about myself in new ways. I am outside of my normal social settings of family, close friends, and all things familiar. My decisions are becoming my own, and they are becoming a genuine reflection of myself. So having said that, I have to start making better decisions.

My hair is trying so badly to dred up. Its a constant struggle. I dont want dreds. I love them, but I know I couldnt handle/maintain them. I am still trying to grow my hair out.

I suppose today will be a day of laundry and housecleaning. Maybe tweak out a lesson plan or two. make those steaks. Heres to another week.

love
bear