please sunshine

im feeling a little... content.
a little acute if you may. you could call it comfortable or maybe confident.
ive got augustus pablos "please sunshine" on my media player right now.
i love this shit...
gus got me listenin to this organic music. that reggae, that rub-a-dub. it really does provoke a sense of well-being which is unavoidable.

so, i feel ive completely embraced my new life. now its only a matter of allowing my new environment to change me, to evolve me a bit.
i pray that the gods would shine some light on this empty vessel of mine.
i know so little, im not afraid to say it.
and im desperately eager to learn more.
make me your bitch and teach me the ropes zeus.

si on a toujours l'habitude de mener la meme vie, alors ca se fatigue. ca vous rend plus vieux plus vite si vous voulez. il est toujours necessaire dapprendre des choses de nouvelle.
(if youre always living in the same routine, it can become tiresome. even, it makes you older faster. its necessary to always be learning something new.)

my english is beginning to escape me. yesssss. but there are still holes (des troux) in my french vocabulary which prevent me from being 100% with french either. it can be quite comical actually. like when i used to be junked out and would forget my reality in the middle of a sentence. well, no, this is comical. that was just depressing because i actually could notice the deterioration of my brain, not just a memory lapse. hmm... but still fond memories nonetheless.

i was on the bus the other day thinking about that. how so many more people get into drug problems in the big cities. and well, i have to say that ive slowed down tremendously since my arrival in this small town, as i knew i would. atlanta has 4million residents, tours has only 400k. but you know, for every time there is a season and right now i have to grow up a little.

but like i said before, im very content.
and ive always been a dreamer.

life is beautiful like that. i am at my makers hand.
and its like i said way before, you make one life changing decision and then other ones become less frightening and then that much more desirable. and maybe the times were wild because i had nothing but the those days to look forward to. my obligations were as such that coming to work out of my mind was overlooked. once a junkie always a junkie. doesnt matter your drug of choice. human beings crave discipline and if theres nothing in our parameters which restrains us, we'll be as free as we think we can handle. its just very exhausting.

but what made me think twice about my way of life was feeling something even more powerful than myself. i was passing the evening with a friend of mine and i completely forgot time and space and i knew nothing but the absolute bliss which i was enveloped in. i decided that i didnt need any other high in life, just that new element. id become a total bitch, settling like that.

and i think we all crave some sort of overall fulfillment as well. there are some things ive desired since childhood. others that ive grown to appreciate that i know i couldnt do without. we're throughout our lives searching for those things which resonate deep in our souls. like the feeling you got the first time you were surrounded by wasted, sweaty people in a mosh pit... and then the music started. and you completely let go. the feeling you get when you taste your youth. or i believe i sometimes get the same feeling when i go to the bathroom... no really. some of our actions are so human that life couldnt be more simplified in any other way. we sleep, we wake, theres interactions, we eat, we shit, we sleep. this my friends is simplicity, is equality, is contentment, is satisfaction. its a mind boggling, beautiful feeling when you think about it.

but even still, there is so much more that is out of my control. i can only be at the hand of my own actions. you cant piss what i drink or shit what i eat. my battles are my own. my chemin(path) is chosen by my own two feet. this is my life homie, you decide yours. and although my eyes, ears, hands, mouth, heart can only experience its own pleasures, i can still appreciate the sensations of others. i love watching people in love, children at play, old people being old, young people being foolish. its only when you experience those same things for yourself that the reality of these actions, these feelings becomes orgasmic. ill never forget the first time i saw the eiffel tour. or flew on a plane. or had my heart broken. or fell in love.
but i had to experience the rainy days to know how to rightfully appreciate the sunny ones.

im playing a game with time now. i wont let her get the best of me. ive slowed down, and my patience is building up in return. it takes some people a lifetime to be here now. to not want anymore. to not need anymore. ill take what the wind brings me. and ill learn to appreciate it as well.

meanwhile the cigarettes just leave a bad taste in my mouth. the wine exhausts me. work will forever just be work. oh but life is beautiful because contentment is on my side. and im getting younger with every day.